Farts: we all do them

Yes, you read right, even us girls fart, though we pretend that we don't. We also pretend that our pee does not make a splashing sound when it hits the water, that we wake up with perfect hair and makeup on and do not sleep in over-sized T-shirts but skimpy little tank tops and underwear instead, that our breath does not stink in the morning, that we never ever go number two, that we don't get bloated when we eat fast food, and that evidently when we get older and/or have kids we lose control of our bladders and pee when we laugh. But the real subject here, is farts: we all do it, but for some reason it is considered rude and gross and should never be done in public if it can be avoided. Well, when we're kids we think it's funny, and guys usually think it's funny even when they're old, but the point is, everyone on the planet farts one time or another in their lives, yet farting is so very taboo in polite society. If you're in a grocery store and you fart, you either blame someone else or you run from that isle as fast as you can and hope no one notices that you were just there when they start to smell it. For instance, the egg and onion powder incident: my brother ate egg, with onion powder a few years back, and boy were we sorry. He cleared out two stores, Target and Home Depot that day. His fart smelled so bad that when he farted in an isle we would literally run away from it, and it followed us. And the funniest part? The people who worked there were actually running around the isles looking for a dead animal. And I'm not kidding, my mom heard them talking about a dead smell on the isles that he farted on, and she saw them looking around for the body. It was bad, and from that I have gained much experience. Experience I will now use to ask you to never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, eat the combo of egg and onion powder. In fact, you should always keep a forty eight hour gap between the consumption of egg and onion powder. Just never mix the two. Otherwise, you might blow a gaping-green hole in the atmosphere. And not the environmentally-safe green.
Which brings me to fart levels. Every fart has a different identity: there are greeny-puffum-smoke farts, which float through the air like smoke, searching for any organism unlucky enough to have to breathe; there are silent-but-deadly farts, where you are lucky enough to get them out with no sound, but then your neighbor across the street drops dead, their face contorted in disgust and their complexion a certain shade of green that can only be explained as, "they looked as if they were going to be sick!"; there are butt-flappers, the kind of fart that sounds so loud coming out that you curl up and die of embarrassment, yet surprisingly it doesn't hardly stink at all; there are walk-farts, the kind that come out a little bit every time you take a step, whether you are clinching your butt or not, thus leaving a trail of stink in your wake; there are sharts, the kind of fart that is not just a fart, but also a little something at the end (you go to fart, and you end up sh*ting instead); and finally, you have the oily-fart. My mom made this one up, and it is indeed a very special fart. It's the kind of fart that lingers, like an oil-slick, just slowly slimming itself across the walls, waiting till you enter the room again. And when that happens, it ATTACKS!!! It just springs from the wall, or the couch or whatever, and attaches itself to your face, suffocating you with a stink so mighty, one might call it the Master Stank.
Now, I'm sure there are other classes of fart that I have failed to list, but I have covered the basics here. But if you think of a kind of fart that I have missed, just leave a comment telling me what it's called, and what it does. That would be hilarious.
Fart- I mean, Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. My mom seems to think that because I think farts are funny, the guys are going to be crawling all over me, and she says they'll want to know how old I am, and am I cute, so...I'm eighteen, and yes, I am very cute. And I'm not full of myself at all.
(Okay, I was so just kidding, I don't want any online boyfriends. Relationships should be real, not electronic)

God's allergic to us

Is it raining wherever you are? I'm in Lakewood California here, and yes, it is raining quite a lot. Which is weird, because it hardly ever rains here. And when it does, it's just a little spittle, and it doesn't last very long. You know how they say that when it rains, it's because God's crying? Well, here it's more of a sneeze. It's like he's allergic to us, and whenever he get's too close he sneezes, it sprinkles a bit down here, and then it just clears up and goes back to sunshine (because he left, afraid that he'd sneeze again). But for the past couple of days, it's actually been raining for real here. With thunder and lightning and everything! I like to think that when there is thunder and/or lightning, it's because the angels in heaven are bowling. And yes, I know that sounds immature, but it's a nice way to think about it.
So anyway, from what I hear it's going to keep on raining for the rest of the week! Which is good, in my opinion. Well, good until the weird Californian weather kicks in and it goes from pouring down hard to clear sunny sky in a manner of minutes. And, of course, it's not that great for my beautiful outdoor cat Joey. He is impossibly adorable when he's wet, but he doesn't particularly like it. In fact, when it rains he sort of disappears for a while (most likely hiding in some bushes or something), then when it lets up a bit, he comes to either the front or the back of the house and screams ("I'm wet! I'm wet! Come dry me, I'm wet!"). Then I bring him in the house, dry him off and feed him, and then he proceeds to sit on my lap and warm up, which he is doing as I type. It's so cute, he's totally fast asleep on my bed right now, with his face buried against my leg. And he's snoring! OMG, he is soo cute!!!
Okay, enough of that, I better go 'cause my parents are back from the store and most likely brought food with them. But how am I supposed to get up with the cuteness on my lap? Oh well, I guess I'll have to wake him up...I'll be paying for it later, though...
Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. Don't get me wrong on the God jokes, I don't mean any disrespect, I'm just having a bit of fun. And besides, I like to think that God has a good sense of humor. Just look at Britney Spears (Okay, so that was a really mean joke on her part, but do I care? No, I do not)!

Google Search is hilarious!

Have you ever typed a few words into Google Search and seen the most popular questions that it provides you with, that match those first few words you typed in? Are you extremely confused by what I said and can not understand one ounce of what I really meant to say? Let me make it easy for you. I went to Google Search, and typed just a few key words in, and this is what it came up with:
(that's the search box->) [why ] (that's it, that's all I had to type, and I got the following)
why do men have nipples (they would look stupid without them)
why is the sky blue (because God said so)
why is my poop green (stop eating so much spinach!)
why does my vag smell (eeewww, personal problem)
why do cats purr (because they love us)
why did i get married too (because Cupid has a sense of humor)
why do dogs eat poop (because they're saying, "I'd rather eat my own poop than that nasty meatloaf you keep giving me under the table")
why can't i own a canadian (because this is America, you idiot)
why did the chicken cross the road (so you could run it over and have lunch)
why are black people so loud (I know! That one is very racist, I will not answer it)

Okay, so that's what all came up. Sorry about all the answers in parentheses, I couldn't resist answering those stupid questions in my own smart-arse way. And yes, I so just said arse. What of it?
Anyway, I just thought that was really funny, and also it's a good way to pass your time. I mean, I could sit there for hours just typing random things in, and getting a million stupid results from Google Search trying to finish my sentence. Oh yeah, try typing in "robert pat" and see how many results you get involving Robert Pattinson. It's hilarious.
To try this, all you need to do is go to Google Search, and type in something obscure like "why" or "how" or "why does my" and see how many ridiculous results you get (caution: when typing "why does my" you may get a lot of nasty stuff like "why does my vag smell", so if you are under eighteen I advise you to not do it. But I guess by me saying that, you will now do the opposite, so whatever).
Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. If you find something really funny, leave a comment on the key words you used to get it, and I'll check it out!

Lemon chicken banana cup, throw a wet tortilla at your House!!! (random thoughts)

Yay! The best show in the world recorded on our DVR last night!!! Which, of course, would be House! My favoritest show ever! Well, what can I say about the episode...What's not to like? Of course I loved the new episode. How can I not like any episode of House? Anyway, yeah I wanted to vent out a bit of my excitement at House coming back, but I also wanted to vent a lot of frustration that House is not coming back for good. Yes, you read right: House is not coming back right now. We all have to wait yet another two weeks before we get to see any new episodes, which really sucks butt if you think about it. I mean, why do they do that? Why do they take two week hiatus' (did I do that right? I'm not really sure what the plural for hiatus is...) all the time? What's the point? They end a season, then just when they bring it back, they give you one new episode, then they make you wait two weeks till the next episode!!! Do they do it just to piss us off? Because if so, it's working. I am currently very not happy about having to wait another two weeks till the next episode to my favoritest show ever. And yeah, I very much know that "favoritest" is not in the slightest a word. But I don't care at this point, because I WANT MY FAVORITEST SHOW TO COME BACK NOW!!! And if they do a two week hiatus again after this two week hiatus, you don't even want to begin to imagine what I will do. Because if you did, your brain would heat to the point of explosion. I may sound all funny and paranoid and cute with my weird spellings and my little rants, but let me be the first to tell you: I am evil. You saw my blog about how I chase my big brother around with a frying pan? Well that's just one tiny little bad deed that I do sometimes. Try living with me, and then tell me I'm not evil. Or better yet, say something mean about a family member of mine, or a friend, and you will see the wrath of me. Or even better still, take away my favoritest show for two weeks all the time, and maybe then you will feel the need to watch your back. I watch plenty of crime shows, I know about forensics. I know how to get away with stuff without leaving evidence. So there.
Anyway, as I was writing my very scary threat just now, I got to thinking: I may be nothing but an evil genius waiting to come out on the inside, but on the outside I'm just a very paranoid person who can go from threatening one's well-being, to paranoid funny girl once again in mere seconds.
Okay, so that's not really what I was thinking as I wrote my threat, but that was what I was think while writing the part that says "anyway, as I was writing my very scary threat just now, I got to thinking:". And if I am confusing you, too bad. I can't help it, I just don't know how to stay on one subject for too long. I may write a lot about one thing sometimes, but my brain is thinking of fifty different things while I'm writing, and to write all my thoughts out it might look something like this: Why are they taking a two week hiatus again? I really do love House...Is Wilson gay? He acts gay sometimes. He had a wife, though...House was good at cooking, does that mean he cooks for Wilson? Or did he give that up when he got his license to practice-
I'm hungry. Do we have any pizza left- was that my parents truck I heard? No, not it yet. They had some errands to run...What was that? It sounded like a bang- oh well, it's gone. Cheesecake! Uncle Don said something about bringing cheesecake to Nana's birthday party tomorrow! Crap, I forgot to make her a card last night...I have a lot of paper though, so it shouldn't take long...My nose itches a little. You know, they say if your nose itches you're about to kiss a fool. That can't be right though, 'cause no one's in the room with me that is kissable...Ugh, I should just get it over with and finish this blog instead of writing my strange thou-
Ooh, there's some mint candies on the desk next to me! I like mint. It reminds me of my nickname (one of many) Dmintedfairy. Get it? Okay I'm gonna stop writing my thoughts now, 'cause it's really hard and so far I'm only picking out a few thoughts at once and ignoring all the other ones I'm thinking while trying to type (woops, I typed type wrong, it was, tyoe he he) them out...Which means I'm leaving a lot of thoughts out and I am getting very bored trying to explain now, so...Hold on, I need to visit the restroom. Did you know that in other countries they don't call it a restroom or bathroom or anything like that? They just call it the toilet, because that's what it is.
Okay, I'm back. Wow, that was fast. It was like a record or something. I wonder what the world record for peeing really fast is?
Anyway, I think you get the drift of it. Oh yeah, before I forget: I ordered some books online the other day, and when I checked my email last night it said that they had been shipped, so I'll have seven new books in three to eight days!!! Yay!!!
Now what was this blog about originally? Oh yeah, House. Which brings me to my conclusion, and my original thought when I was typing "anyway, as I was writing my very scary threat just now, I got to thinking:" which is: what if they're taking a two week hiatus not only as a teaser, but because they're going- (hold on, here's another thought that popped into my head: I watched the last episode of Doctor Who with David Tennant in it the other day, and yes it was awesome, but I'm going to miss him as The Doctor. He was my favorite) -to end the series soon? I mean, House has been on for a while now, so what if they're teasing us with the limited-episode-diet because this is the last season, or the next to last season? If so, my earlier threat applies, only tenfold. Tenfold tenfold, times infinity. And yes, that sounds very juvenile, but I don't care because it's true.
And on that very sad note (the note in which House ends...), I think this blog has become large enough, and I had better stop- (hey, did you ever notice that sometimes when you type really fast the computer can't keep up with you and it's a few letters behind?) -now before it becomes just way too big and confusing.
Blog ya later, Mi- (I just accidentally typed Mii) -ss Eccentric.
P.S. Don't worry, for all (maybe not all, wahahaha) my future blogs I won't put you through the mental agony with typing my thoughts out that I have today. I wouldn't be surprised if your brain has melted from reading this, and I want to keep the death-tole down, soo...Okay that's it.