Welcome, to all of those insane enough to walk this blog!

As you might have noticed, this here blog is one big archive of the ramblings of an insane author. So insane, in fact, that I wouldn't be surprised if you went mad just reading said blog...Good luck ;)


I lied. This is not, in fact, a "directory" as the title above might suggest...This is merely a warning of what you might find on this blog. I believe I have already warned you of the insane ramblings archived in this blog, but I must say, if you are not prepared for the tomfooleries that can be found here, you might just want to close this tab, shut your computer down, and walk away slowly in order to keep your OWN sanity in check. Fair warning >;)

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Random cats of grossness

Let's talk about gross things today. Now doesn't that sound fun?
Anyway, I'd like to start by saying: The other day, I realized how truly gross my cat is. I mean, when he showed up last October, he was dirty. He had grease from sitting underneath cars, he was always covered in dirt, and he would eat anything you gave him. But once he started getting used to eating regularly at our house, and we fixed him, he starting really cleaning. Post-fixing he became a very clean boy, with a shiny black coat and a routine-clean after every meal. He rarely leaves our back yard, and likes to think of himself as a house-cat, always taking naps on my bed. I thought he was a clean boy, with clean morals. I was wrong.
My first hint that he was truly quite nasty, was a few weeks ago when my mum dropped a piece of cheese on the ground for him to eat, and he left it there for a few days before actually eating it. I was like, "eww, he'll only eat three day old cheese, that's been left outside in the sun?" but I chocked it up to it being a normal cat-thing to do. Two weeks later, he's still licking at the cheese on the ground. Gross yes, but abnormally nasty? Hardly.
The day before yesterday I believe was the day he crossed the line from moderately gross to "eewww!!! Joseph, you are nasty!!!" (I call him Joseph when he's being a stinker, or when he's particularly gross)
It all started with a smashed snail. I had accidentally squished a snail with my chair earlier that day, and the guts were all gooey and stuff. Well, Joey sat in it. It was really not very sanitary, and it was all matted in the fur on his back and stuff, and I was totally grossed out. That wasn't so bad, but boy did it get worse. We let our other cat (we have three altogether, Daisy and Bosco being inside cats, and Joey being an outside cat) Daisy out, and she got all-up-in the grass. She loves to eat it, 'cause it helps with fur balls. So anyway, Joey is quite obsessed with her little tushy for some reason. Probably because she doesn't really clean it, being as fat as she is. Gross yes, but we've known she was gross for years. Well, Joey's obsession with following her around and sniffing her butt escalated, and he tried to lick it for her several times. And of course she would get pissed off and whip around and smack him. He didn't really back down, though. He just kept following her around, sniffing even the ground where her butt has sat. This was gross, and we all laughed about it. And then we got the idea that maybe it would be a good thing if Joey were to help her clean it, so we held her down and let him clean a little. And I know what you're going to say, "it's your own fault that he was being gross, you let him lick her butt!" but I swear we didn't think anything of it. Daisy was growling and carrying on, so we went ahead and let her down. Then we proceeded to watch as Joey stood above her, biting the back of her neck and trying to "mount" her, if you know what I mean. Now, all three of our cats are all spayed and neutered, so there is no reason for any of them to try and have babies, to put it politely. But he was totally trying to get comfortable on her, and she was letting him. We didn't want to watch that, so we pushed him off and let her run away to the grass again, where she proceeded to mow for us and he merely followed her to sniff where her butt had been again. Next thing we know, she coughing up a fur ball and he's trying to go smell it. We all get even more grossed out and wash the kitty-puke with the hose, so he can't get all-up-in-that and lick it or something. After a while we let Daisy in the house again, yet the grossness continues when Joey decides it would be wee-fun to scoot his butt in the grass like a dog. Now we're all thinking, "first he eats nasty old cheese, then he sits in snail guts and leaves it, then he licks our girl cat's butt, then he tries to mount her, and now he's scooting his butt across the yard? Eeeewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And he just puked in our kitchen yesterday, to top it all off. And it was like a projectile, landing in a nasty heap at least five inches away from where his face was. And now, we all look at him a bit differently...But I still love him, grossness and all.

Okay, so I just got bored and decided to talk about something completely random and unimportant. So sue me, I had fun.
Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. Did I just happen to mention that Joey, after licking Daisy's butt, then licked my leg? No? Well, let's just say that I scrubbed the crappa out of my leg later that day in the shower.
Also, the picture of Joey at the top of this post is of him in a doggy-rain-coat. We saw it at the pet store and we couldn't resist the idea of him in the yellow rain coat with reflectors on the back. And it was worth it, 'cause although he played dead and wouldn't move, he was the most adorable little thing on the entire earth. And don't argue with me on this note, 'cause I will fight you to the death, and I guarantee I will not be the one dead in the end.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The English language: Say what?!?

They say that if English is not your first language, then it is the hardest language to learn out of any other language. That's because we have so many different meanings for the same word, and so many different words that mean the same thing. It's quite confusing, really, especially if you happen to be a foreigner just learning our language. Take the word "there", for instance. It can mean so many different things depending on the way you spell it: There, they're, their (there once was a girl who wrote a blog, she said, "they're trying to use their strange language to take over the world!"). And the funniest part about that word in particular, is that most of us who actually speak English as our first language don't even know how to use the correct spelling in the correct context. "Huh?", you say? Well that's not the only stupid thing we who speak English do. What about the word "lead"? Do you know that that word can be used and pronounced in two completely different ways, yet spelled the same?
Example: "My dad's mom has a lead foot" or "I like to lead people to strange conclusions".
See what I mean? Or how about words that if you add punctuation in the right spot it completely changes the word? For instance, you can change "its" (meaning "my cat likes turkey, it is its favorite food), by adding an apostrophe in between the T and S, making it "it's" (meaning "it's time for me to stop giving English lessons and get to the point already"), therefore giving it a whole other meaning than "its".
Or "ill" (as in "I am ill"), which can be changed with an apostrophe to "I'll" (meaning "I'll go to the doctor").

Are you keeping up with me, or are you falling asleep yet? Let's move on...

Also, we American's who speak English seem to have forgotten how to spell things as we used to, before we became "American's". I mean, have you not noticed that in Brittan and elsewhere (there's another one: Where, wear, ware) in Europe, they spell certain words differently than we do? Like "color". They spell it "colour" instead. Or "favorite", spelled "favourite" in Europe. Did we not get the memo on how to spell correctly? Because I do believe we American's are the only ones who spell words like that the way we do. I could be wrong, there could be people outside of the United States who spell color the way we do, but most people from Europe that I've ever seen do indeed spell it colour. Or how about how we greet each other?

Anonymous person: "Hey, what's up?"

Me: "Uh...The ceiling above my bed, currently."

Do you understand my point, here? My point being: Why do we say things like, "what's up?", when we clearly mean something other than the literal sense (sense, since, cents, all pronounced the same) of what is directly above us? It does not make any rational sense to me.
So, besides our language being the hardest to learn, I also find it to be the strangest of them all. Especially in the past few years that I have been writing, which has given me plenty of examples of how strange our language really is. Because although we all speak it on a daily basis, the strangeness of it can be hidden until we have to write it all the time. Then we notice, "hey, 'there', 'their', and 'they're' are all spelled differently, yet sound the same when spoken!". And it truly is amazing how many words we use in our daily lives that turn out, aren't even words at all (in the technical sense)!
But, I suppose there is nothing we can do but embrace our strangeness (funny, you can add a "ness" to just about anything and it's still a word) the best we can, by continuing to confuse innocent foreigners just by saying three simple words: Hey, what's up?

Just something to think about, everyone.
Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. Long time no blog, eh? Here's hoping you'll get to see more of me after this here blog. We'll see though, 'cause I don't have all the free time I used to.