Yes, you read right, even us girls fart, though we pretend that we don't. We also pretend that our pee does not make a splashing sound when it hits the water, that we wake up with perfect hair and makeup on and do not sleep in over-sized T-shirts but skimpy little tank tops and underwear instead, that our breath does not stink in the morning, that we never ever go number two, that we don't get bloated when we eat fast food, and that evidently when we get older and/or have kids we lose control of our bladders and pee when we laugh. But the real subject here, is farts: we all do it, but for some reason it is considered rude and gross and should never be done in public if it can be avoided. Well, when we're kids we think it's funny, and guys usually think it's funny even when they're old, but the point is, everyone on the planet farts one time or another in their lives, yet farting is so very taboo in polite society. If you're in a grocery store and you fart, you either blame someone else or you run from that isle as fast as you can and hope no one notices that you were just there when they start to smell it. For instance, the egg and onion powder incident: my brother ate egg, with onion powder a few years back, and boy were we sorry. He cleared out two stores, Target and Home Depot that day. His fart smelled so bad that when he farted in an isle we would literally run away from it, and it followed us. And the funniest part? The people who worked there were actually running around the isles looking for a dead animal. And I'm not kidding, my mom heard them talking about a dead smell on the isles that he farted on, and she saw them looking around for the body. It was bad, and from that I have gained much experience. Experience I will now use to ask you to never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, eat the combo of egg and onion powder. In fact, you should always keep a forty eight hour gap between the consumption of egg and onion powder. Just never mix the two. Otherwise, you might blow a gaping-green hole in the atmosphere. And not the environmentally-safe green.
Which brings me to fart levels. Every fart has a different identity: there are greeny-puffum-smoke farts, which float through the air like smoke, searching for any organism unlucky enough to have to breathe; there are silent-but-deadly farts, where you are lucky enough to get them out with no sound, but then your neighbor across the street drops dead, their face contorted in disgust and their complexion a certain shade of green that can only be explained as, "they looked as if they were going to be sick!"; there are butt-flappers, the kind of fart that sounds so loud coming out that you curl up and die of embarrassment, yet surprisingly it doesn't hardly stink at all; there are walk-farts, the kind that come out a little bit every time you take a step, whether you are clinching your butt or not, thus leaving a trail of stink in your wake; there are sharts, the kind of fart that is not just a fart, but also a little something at the end (you go to fart, and you end up sh*ting instead); and finally, you have the oily-fart. My mom made this one up, and it is indeed a very special fart. It's the kind of fart that lingers, like an oil-slick, just slowly slimming itself across the walls, waiting till you enter the room again. And when that happens, it ATTACKS!!! It just springs from the wall, or the couch or whatever, and attaches itself to your face, suffocating you with a stink so mighty, one might call it the Master Stank.
Now, I'm sure there are other classes of fart that I have failed to list, but I have covered the basics here. But if you think of a kind of fart that I have missed, just leave a comment telling me what it's called, and what it does. That would be hilarious.
Fart- I mean, Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. My mom seems to think that because I think farts are funny, the guys are going to be crawling all over me, and she says they'll want to know how old I am, and am I cute, so...I'm eighteen, and yes, I am very cute. And I'm not full of myself at all.
(Okay, I was so just kidding, I don't want any online boyfriends. Relationships should be real, not electronic)
I lied. This is not, in fact, a "directory" as the title above might suggest...This is merely a warning of what you might find on this blog. I believe I have already warned you of the insane ramblings archived in this blog, but I must say, if you are not prepared for the tomfooleries that can be found here, you might just want to close this tab, shut your computer down, and walk away slowly in order to keep your OWN sanity in check. Fair warning >;)