I'm Okay...

I've been wanting to do this blog for quite some time now, but for some reason I haven't...Now I know I am brave enough, strong enough, and I'm just gonna come out and say it. Everything I have written here in the past that has to do with “my parents” and any mention of my so-called “father” was a lie. That man is no more my father than I am a flying pigmy. My mother was never in love with him, and he was never a father to my brother nor I...Not by blood, and not in our hearts. But I had to keep an act up, for my mom's sake and for the sake of the household...Now I will no longer keep this act going. I am who I am, and I will never lie about my life again. Which brings me to something more that I wanted to say...Let me elaborate.

The thing about life that many do not realize until it is too late, is that all too often, we are handed a pile that most others wouldn't be able to handle. Only you can handle what you are handed --if you are lucky-- and even then some have a harder time than others with just that...Trying to handle your own life.Trying to handle what pile you were given...

I, like many before me, was handed quite a lot for someone my age. I grew up in a household where my “father” abused my mother mentally, physically, financially, and in many other ways...He abused my brother. He abused even myself. I grew up in a house where I was afraid for my mother, afraid for myself...And afraid to tell anyone else about what went on behind closed doors. Afraid to even tell my own mom half of what happened behind her back...I am no longer afraid.

Fear...That is a whole other subject. Fear can manifest itself in so many different ways. Fear, to me, is like an old scar: It can either be something you look back on from time to time, remembering what has happened to you but knowing that you are past that, knowing that those wounds have healed over through the years...Or they can be a constant reminder of what you feel every day. For me, they are both, in a way...Although more the latter than the former.

About one year ago now, my life, thanks to my courageous mother, changed forever. She finally had the full strength of the Goddess I know she is at heart, and she used that to get rid of that abusive “man” once and for all. We erased him from our house, our lives, and we try every day to erase him from our memories...But in the process, those scars that healed over through years of denial opened once again, and it has taken more to close the wounds this time than the before. I kept things from my mom to protect her, and at the age of nineteen I finally told her everything. I used her strength from leaving him as my own strength, and I confessed more to her than I had to anyone. It was a large, painful, gnarly scar that I had opened once more, but I knew this time the wound could heal over nicer than before.

I have said this before, and I will say it again...2011 was our year. It was the year of freedom for my mom, brother, and myself.

In 2011, my mom freed herself from the tyranny of her previous “marriage”. She put her foot down and made him leave her home whether he liked it or not. And it finally worked. She was reunited with the love of her life, a man she had fallen for back when she was still in high school...Sadly, the timing was not right back then and their lives had gone in different directions before they even had a chance to try being together. But now she is not only happily in love with her man, but she has bought a house with him in a new County, she has lost all the weight she had put on in sheer depression living with her ex, she has become happy, healthy, and more radiant than I have ever seen her in my lifetime...She now shares a young son with her love, and my brother and I have finally found a man in our lives who is, although not by blood, more of a father than we've ever known. My brother has a steady job. I am employed myself and –due to this job not giving me the hours I need-- I am even looking for a second job.

In 2011, I accomplished more than I ever thought possible of myself...I published two novels online myself, and have been writing a third in my spare time. I have grown in so many ways...I have even found a love so strong that I find myself forgetting the things of my past at times...Although, as I've said, those insistent scars will never go away, and they keep reminding me of what has hurt us all. But I'm working on it. And for the first time in my life, I have found someone who I actually feel safe around...It's no secret that I have trust issues. For the longest time it was only my mom to whom I trusted. But when I am in the arms of my love, I feel warm, and safe, like no nightmare from my past can reach me. It's amazingly comforting to have that...And I have shared things that only my mom knows, and you know what? It's okay. Because I love him, and he loves me, and I know he will always be there to protect me...And since I told him some of my darkest secrets, I have felt a healing begin deep inside, and I know those gnarly wounds are becoming scars once more, only this time, they will be small, almost invisible to the naked eye...And I'm okay now. I'm okay with what I was handed in life...Because I now know that 2012 will be full of new memories, great ones that will drown out the old ones...And it's all thanks to my gorgeous mom, for making the choice to free herself, and the rest of us from that nightmare. And although our beautiful Nana is no longer with us physically, at least she got to see us freed. She got to see us all happy, finally. She even got to meet my love...And I couldn't have asked for a greater outcome in the year 2011. And I look forward to 2012, and many more years of happiness after that...Because it's okay to enjoy life, and to work for what we want. It's okay to be happy.

And I'm okay. Better than okay, actually...I'm happy.

-Alexandra Marie Shaw

...or as you know me better, 

Miss Eccentric

"WHATEVER"

The word has many meanings, to say the least. It's used in everyday life, by all kinds of people of different ethnicity's and generations and genders...All in all, I hear it way too often. It's like a filler-word. It's used when no one knows what else to say. For me, this word is used as a, "I don't want to start anything, so I'm gonna just let this go and I won't talk about it again."
I know I am guilty of using this word, but I am trying to stop myself now for future situations. However, to other people, this word takes on a whole new meaning. As mine is simply a way to keep the peace, others have used it in a way that suggests harsh dismissal. Sometimes when it's used in such a manner I imagine that the user of the word simply wants to say something along the lines of, "I don't care what the hell you're saying, I'd really like it if you'd shut up now. If you don't, I'm going to go all homicidal on you and murder you with a straw, then I'm going to do a voodoo dance on your grave to bring you back, just so my gerbil minions can eat you and then burn themselves alive. 'Kay?"
I don't always know why these thoughts go through my head, but it's nothing but the truth. I've always been the type of person who thinks if you have something to say to me, say it. Don't bull$h!t me with your nasty comments to which you try and disguise as a surrender. So you can imagine why I'd really rather know the true meaning behind a word such as "whatever", instead of just taking it as "they have nothing more to say". Because I know from experience that everyone always has more to say. Just in the beginning of this year I read in one of my favorite books that when people want to say something, are about to say something, but then hold themselves back for reasons such as not wanting to say anything socially unexceptionable, holding it on the tip of their tongue for a second and swallowing it...Well, these are called spill-words. I wholeheartedly believe in spill-words, however there are two types in my mind: Type one, the type that almost comes out but again, gets swallowed, and two, the type that comes out in one dismissal-word instead, a word that is loaded with spill-words. I'm more inclined to either just say what I mean, loud and clear, or I will use the type of spill-word that almost comes out but doesn't. This is because I know when to be loud, proud and opinionated, however, I also know when to shut my big fat mouth as to not hurt someone that I love. But be that as it may, I know far more people that use the other type of spill-word, the type that comes out as a nasty, snapped comment that is loaded with the true and crude meaning. Like the word, "whatever". Which brings me to my last point (I think, hehe). Words are just that: Words. People are the ones who put meaning behind them. Now, let me explain this so you don't take it the wrong way. Yes, I am a writer, and therefore find meaning and put meaning into every word I read and write. A story is not a story unless it has meaning. However, a word does not have meaning unless you tether either an emotion to it, or you act on that word, show it more than you say it. Take the word "love", for instance. I have heard this word in several different ways. Depending on who says it, it can either take on a profound meaning, or it can simply mean nothing. But it's not the act of saying the word itself that gives it meaning. It's what you do that counts. I find more meaning in someone silently looking you in the eyes, telling you that they understand you, or gingerly holding your hand, or hugging you when you need it, or making you cry with just one glance...It's the actions that love is truly shown in. When the word is thrown around so much you do not find meaning at the sound of it anymore, you know it's just empty sounds coming from someone's mouth. It's like that saying, "actions speak louder than words". We put meaning into words, and unfortunately they mean nothing unless you can back them up with your actions. And I don't know about you, but I can back up every word I write, and every word I speak. Because I mean each one, and I can prove it with my actions. How about you?

-Miss Eccentric.

P.S. Yes I know that some of that was crazy-rant worthy, and may not make complete sense, but sometimes I need to say what I feel. This was one of those times.

Inspiration

We all find it in very different things, don't we? I've known people to become inspired by many things that I may not find inspiring, yet at the same time the product that person comes out with in the end is quite inspiring despite me not really agreeing with them. For instance, I'm not a huge fan of abstract art. I'm a perfectionist, so anything I do must look like something from real life, or I believe it to be rubbish. But despite my feelings about abstract art, I still find it inspiring when I see someone create a work of art that is considered abstract. Not because it's necessarily my thing, but because it's their thing, and I can plainly see that they truly love it.
My Mum finds her passion in things like cooking, or carving wood, or even sculpting clay. She loves the ocean, and anything to do with it. She gasps at the magnificence of a giant wave, and cries when she hears bagpipes playing, with the beat of the music vibrating in her chest. She brags about her children's talents, and she will do anything for her family. She is a passionate person, and she inspires me.
My Dad finds his passion in working with computers, writing (much like me), and providing for his family. He loves old fashioned music (the good kind), and if you catch him in a good mood he'll sing along with the song. He turns green when my brother or I get hurt, and he tries to keep things light and humorous at all times. He is a passionate person, and he inspires me.
My Big Bro finds his passion in computer work as well as my dad, although his is more artful. He loves to design art in graphics, and if he can help someone at the same time, he'll do it in a second. He despises men who take advantage of young women, and he lights up if you sit and listen to him ramble on about his graphic work. He is also passionate, and don't tell him this, but he inspires me as well.
Most of all, my family as a whole inspires me. They keep me going even when I'm doubting myself. So much in life can be inspiring, it's hard to believe anyone can feel as if they don't have passion in their lives. I find my passion in everyday things, things like a really good book, a painting that takes your breath away (Monet does that to me to this day), a sunset that lights the sky with oranges and pinks and purples, shining brightly and colorfully. Music. Any kind really, as long as it's good. But the most inspiring music for me is piano music. My favorite song is Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I also love bagpipes, and the feeling I get as the beat vibrates through my own chest. Just thinking of my ancestors, two very different, very Scottish men who found their passion in writing just like I do, makes me swell with pride. But the most inspiring thing of all for me, is witnessing someone enjoy something I've created. I get a rush like no other when people tell me they love my story, or a painting I've made. Just knowing that what I do is not all for nothing keeps me fueled and ready for more. Inspiration is funny like that. One minute you're living life as usual, and the next, your own inspiration trigger hits you, and you have to do something you're passionate about or you'll explode. I've learned what triggers my feelings of inspiration, and I suggest that everyone find their own trigger, and use it to create something beautiful!
-Miss Eccentric.
P.S. Okay, yeah this post was all romanticized and everything, but I'm in a really good mood today. And there's no way I'm going to apologize for that. So there. And yes, I know I've done a post similar to this before, but whatev. I wanted to do it again.

You go to hell, you go to hell and you die!!!

Okay, so I have been procrastinating slightly on writing this post, because I know I have a lot to say about this, and I don't want to be here all day (oh well, I can try). So the subject today, is church. I am a Christian, although I don't really like to put a label on it, considering the fact that I don't believe in some (a lot, really) of the things that Christian's say and do. For instance, if you don't go to church, you're going to hell (what?!). This is stupid to me, since church can be anywhere. My church is in my home, with my Bible and a few other research books on the word of God, and maybe Pastor Melissa Scott on the TV (more on that later). Church to me is a place of refuge, a place where I can be comfortable, a place where I can research the word of God without interruption, or corruption. Take Calvary Chapel for instance: they have snack bars inside the chapel, where we are supposed to be worshiping our God. Now, I only went to Calvary Chapel twice before I couldn't stand being there anymore, so I could be full of crap (I don't think I am), but when I was there, and when I heard what was going on from my brother after I stopped going, all I was thinking was, "I wish I could go there and yell at all of them...". In Matthew 21:12, it says, "Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves." This is only one translation, but you get the point. And the point is, when Jesus saw that the church was selling doves and what-not inside the house of God, he was angry. Because it was disrespectful, to be selling wares inside the house of his Father. And in my opinion, that is exactly what Calvary is doing, and it's wrong. It just makes me want to go in the church and overturn their tables and yell, "It is written, 'my house will be called a house of prayer', but you are making it a 'den of robbers'", just as Jesus had said, and then maybe they would get it. As you can see, I get quite bunched up about this kind of thing, so I'll move on to another subject. Like, "AC DC is the devil!". Calvary said that, not me. They seem to think that the band AC DC is satanic, and to me, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. They think that the "AC" in "AC DC" stands for "anti-christ", which is just stupid. They don't know the people in that band personally, so they can't just assume something like that without proof. Anyway, now I would like to bring up the Mary-Magdalene-being-a-prostitute, thing. Everyone always talks about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute, but that is not true. It does not say anywhere in the Bible that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. Yes, it does tell a story of how Jesus had saved a prostitute named Mary, but mention of her last name is nowhere in there, and at the time, Mary was a very common name for women. Now that we've got that strait, let's change the subject once more, huh? I watch Pastor Melissa Scott (see? Told ya I'd get to it) on TV sometimes, and if you want to learn the word of the Bible, then I suggest you do the same. What makes me want to suggest her to people who would like to learn the word of God, is the fact that she tells it how it is, not how King James or whoever else tells us how it is. She is a translator, and she knows all the no-longer (at least to us American's) spoken languages of the Bible. She translates the bible exactly how it reads, and then interprets it from there. The only difference between her translations and the men who originally translated the book to English, is she does not interpret the meanings of the ancient words the way she wants to, she interprets them in the most literal way possible, which is amazingly awesome to me, because some of the men who translated the Bible may have used it as a chance to get what they wanted the meaning of the stories those men once wrote down into the Bible without us knowing, without us questioning their words. And really, who's to say that everything in the Bible is correct to begin with? I mean, it was written by men, not God himself. And I do think that some of the Bible is accurate, but not all. Because what if some of those men were corrupt in their thinking, and therefore wrote what they wanted to be true, whatever they wanted that would help them in their lives. And Pastor Scott helps me ween-out the lies, so I can know what is true, and what is merely the word of a man, just a man who wrote what he wanted, twisted the truth to get something out of it. And I like to know the truth about what the Bible really says, and she shows you exactly how she translates it, and how she came to the conclusion of what she thinks that verse means. Which is good, because everyone in my opinion should question the word of God, or rather, the word of man, because God would want us to be smart, and it is not smart to just blindly trust a man's word. Because faith should be reserved for God, not for selfish humans. Now that I have gotten my point across, I think I should end here. Although I must tell you, I have much more to say on this subject, like how I think that if you are a good person, and you do good things, and you love and believe in God, and Jesus, and believe that he died for our sins, you've got a one-way ticket to heaven. Because that's all it's really about: Love. Love for God, love for his son who gave his life for us, love for others, and love for life. It's not about "who's the best Christian", or "who throws their hands up in the air at church to 'praise' God when listening to Christian music", either. It's just love, simple as that. If you have love in your heart, and act on that love, and compassion, you're not going to hell because you don't like to go to church.

Calvary Chapel's the devil! (Just kidding, that's a bit extreme)

Blog ya later, Miss Eccentric.
P.S. Don't ya love the way I wrote in circles and somehow got back to the beginning of the blog?
Also, for those of you who might happen to actually like Calvary Chapel, pay careful attention to what I have said: if you think about it, you know it to be true. And who knows, if at least one person hears me, and my opinion, and agrees with me, then I have done some good. Because it can take only one person to change the ways of the church, if they set their minds to it.