Welcome, to all of those insane enough to walk this blog!

As you might have noticed, this here blog is one big archive of the ramblings of an insane author. So insane, in fact, that I wouldn't be surprised if you went mad just reading said blog...Good luck ;)


I lied. This is not, in fact, a "directory" as the title above might suggest...This is merely a warning of what you might find on this blog. I believe I have already warned you of the insane ramblings archived in this blog, but I must say, if you are not prepared for the tomfooleries that can be found here, you might just want to close this tab, shut your computer down, and walk away slowly in order to keep your OWN sanity in check. Fair warning >;)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'm Okay...

I've been wanting to do this blog for quite some time now, but for some reason I haven't...Now I know I am brave enough, strong enough, and I'm just gonna come out and say it. Everything I have written here in the past that has to do with “my parents” and any mention of my so-called “father” was a lie. That man is no more my father than I am a flying pigmy. My mother was never in love with him, and he was never a father to my brother nor I...Not by blood, and not in our hearts. But I had to keep an act up, for my mom's sake and for the sake of the household...Now I will no longer keep this act going. I am who I am, and I will never lie about my life again. Which brings me to something more that I wanted to say...Let me elaborate.

The thing about life that many do not realize until it is too late, is that all too often, we are handed a pile that most others wouldn't be able to handle. Only you can handle what you are handed --if you are lucky-- and even then some have a harder time than others with just that...Trying to handle your own life.Trying to handle what pile you were given...

I, like many before me, was handed quite a lot for someone my age. I grew up in a household where my “father” abused my mother mentally, physically, financially, and in many other ways...He abused my brother. He abused even myself. I grew up in a house where I was afraid for my mother, afraid for myself...And afraid to tell anyone else about what went on behind closed doors. Afraid to even tell my own mom half of what happened behind her back...I am no longer afraid.

Fear...That is a whole other subject. Fear can manifest itself in so many different ways. Fear, to me, is like an old scar: It can either be something you look back on from time to time, remembering what has happened to you but knowing that you are past that, knowing that those wounds have healed over through the years...Or they can be a constant reminder of what you feel every day. For me, they are both, in a way...Although more the latter than the former.

About one year ago now, my life, thanks to my courageous mother, changed forever. She finally had the full strength of the Goddess I know she is at heart, and she used that to get rid of that abusive “man” once and for all. We erased him from our house, our lives, and we try every day to erase him from our memories...But in the process, those scars that healed over through years of denial opened once again, and it has taken more to close the wounds this time than the before. I kept things from my mom to protect her, and at the age of nineteen I finally told her everything. I used her strength from leaving him as my own strength, and I confessed more to her than I had to anyone. It was a large, painful, gnarly scar that I had opened once more, but I knew this time the wound could heal over nicer than before.

I have said this before, and I will say it again...2011 was our year. It was the year of freedom for my mom, brother, and myself.

In 2011, my mom freed herself from the tyranny of her previous “marriage”. She put her foot down and made him leave her home whether he liked it or not. And it finally worked. She was reunited with the love of her life, a man she had fallen for back when she was still in high school...Sadly, the timing was not right back then and their lives had gone in different directions before they even had a chance to try being together. But now she is not only happily in love with her man, but she has bought a house with him in a new County, she has lost all the weight she had put on in sheer depression living with her ex, she has become happy, healthy, and more radiant than I have ever seen her in my lifetime...She now shares a young son with her love, and my brother and I have finally found a man in our lives who is, although not by blood, more of a father than we've ever known. My brother has a steady job. I am employed myself and –due to this job not giving me the hours I need-- I am even looking for a second job.

In 2011, I accomplished more than I ever thought possible of myself...I published two novels online myself, and have been writing a third in my spare time. I have grown in so many ways...I have even found a love so strong that I find myself forgetting the things of my past at times...Although, as I've said, those insistent scars will never go away, and they keep reminding me of what has hurt us all. But I'm working on it. And for the first time in my life, I have found someone who I actually feel safe around...It's no secret that I have trust issues. For the longest time it was only my mom to whom I trusted. But when I am in the arms of my love, I feel warm, and safe, like no nightmare from my past can reach me. It's amazingly comforting to have that...And I have shared things that only my mom knows, and you know what? It's okay. Because I love him, and he loves me, and I know he will always be there to protect me...And since I told him some of my darkest secrets, I have felt a healing begin deep inside, and I know those gnarly wounds are becoming scars once more, only this time, they will be small, almost invisible to the naked eye...And I'm okay now. I'm okay with what I was handed in life...Because I now know that 2012 will be full of new memories, great ones that will drown out the old ones...And it's all thanks to my gorgeous mom, for making the choice to free herself, and the rest of us from that nightmare. And although our beautiful Nana is no longer with us physically, at least she got to see us freed. She got to see us all happy, finally. She even got to meet my love...And I couldn't have asked for a greater outcome in the year 2011. And I look forward to 2012, and many more years of happiness after that...Because it's okay to enjoy life, and to work for what we want. It's okay to be happy.

And I'm okay. Better than okay, actually...I'm happy.

-Alexandra Marie Shaw

...or as you know me better, 
Miss Eccentric


  1. Hey... I haven't read your blog in quite a while, and when I finally come back I read this post. I had no idea you were going through SO MUCH! I'm so happy to hear you were able to get away from such an asshole of a man. I know how you feel because, believe it or not, I was in much the same situation. My dad was really my dad, I grew up with him, but he was mentally/financially/sometimes physically abusive to my mom, me, and my sisters. It was a rough childhood and, as you well know, it left me pretty scarred. Long story short (I don't want to make this about me lol), I left for college and found a freedom that allowed me to discover myself and work out my issues. I am such a different and better person now than I was then... than I was even a year ago, which blows my mind when I think about it. I had been out of the situation for years before I finally have come to the place I am now... the place of feeling good. It probably helped that, in '09, my mom finally put on her brave face and left my dad... I imagine the situation and feelings that went with that for me were much the same as you have been going through.

    Anyway all that to say I kind of know what you're going through, and I'm glad to hear you're doing so well! You sound so much more well balanced than I was- it took me a long time to realize that sometimes old scars have to be reopened in order to get resolved and heal properly. It makes me so happy to know you are "conquering the fears" you had and being the cool-ass person I'm sure you were meant to be! :)

    Well I hope things continue to be great for you, and that 2012 proves to be an even better year! Your first full year of true freedom, right! It's a good start already!

    ps: I just realized that this comment makes me sound super old and, as you probably know, I'm only 25. So it didn't take THAT long... but still you have an excellent start on life if you have already learned this lesson at your age.

  2. Brittany,
    It's so good to hear from you! I haven't been blogging or even blog-walking in so long now...I need to remind myself to try and check your blog out sometime soon! And thank you so much for sharing your own experiences...You're right. I think in many ways your situation was very similar...I was sorry to hear, though. No one deserves to grow up like that. I should know. But I am proud of you for learning to move on, and I am proud of your mom for doing the same! Good for her! And don't worry, you don't sound old...I'm 20 myself, so you're only five years older than I am, and I feel much older anyways, so mentally I'm probably the old one, lol...Anyways, I really hope your life continues to go in the right direction...I know how much it means to have the freedom that you have, and wanting to have it forever =) Talk to ya later!

  3. Alexandra, I do not know you, but I am proud of you and happy for you. I am so glad that (at the time of writing), you were taking steps each day to heal and nurture yourself, and to grow more and more into the woman you are. I am deeply impressed with the authenticity inwhich you blog, and I wish you all the best.